Do you unconsciously hope for a sign of love on Valentine’s Day? Digital hearts or a handwritten red envelope on the door mat? Mystery flowers?
This might be a hangover from teenage years when we actually received personal letters, but it may also be a natural response to feeling lonely, sad about not having a love partner, or feeling unloved. It’s natural to want to be loved, appreciated, thought of, desired, nurtured, supported, at any time of year.
In this article I’ll be encouraging curiosity about why you’re in the situation you’re in, rather than feeling unloved.
A helpful way of looking at this is to actually get curious about how come there isn’t love in your life?
Often, our default is to assume that there must be something wrong with us, and that we are unloveable. Are you feeling unloveable? If this is you, it deserves much more exploration.
What exactly is it that makes you unloveable?
Often when we explore this in my practice, it’s difficult to actually pinpoint what is so awful about a person. Often it’s difficult for people to come up with any real reason. Sometimes they’ll say things like:
”I’m irritating”, ”I’m too loud”, ”I’m too sensitive”.
These are all criticisms that the person has heard said to them, usually by a primary care giver from childhood, and then later from a mate.
Don’t those things say more about the tolerance level of the person criticising?
Aren’t they just a basic incompatibility?
Being called irritating could stem from a person who is quite irritated and stressed out themselves, and so finds anyone who has any need irritating. Therefore, it’s possible they find themselves irritating but blame everyone else for it. Maybe they were even taught this by their parents and care givers. What exactly is it that’s irritating? What’s really true about that as well? Do you find this quality about you irritating? Could you challenge that?
Being too loud could be interpreted as enthusiastic, sociable, fun, passionate, active, expressive, or tangible, by the right person. Fortunately, not everybody needs quiet. Some people need a mate they can wholeheartedly interract with, or, some people are relieved when other people are outgoing.
Being sensitive is a beautiful gift. It means you’re probably full of warmth, empathy, perception and intuition. Some people are desperate for this in a mate! Mostly, this criticism is levelled by people who cannot tolerate emotion.
We tend to attract people who treat us in the same way as our primary care givers treated us. As a result, falling in love with one of these critics can be miserable. So, challenge yourself not to be one!
I’m still feeling unloved, so, what am I doing wrong?
Having established that feeling unloveable may be down to what you’ve been taught to believe about yourself, and may be based on another’s personal viewpoint of the World, rather than based on an absolute truth about you, you can start to ask yourself more about how you do actually contribute to your situation:
- Is feeling unloveable blinding you from seeing the love you have?
- Does it close you off from opportunity? Do you receive complements or brush them off?
- Do you avoid social contact?
- Are you a people pleaser? Tired from looking after other people or listening to them?
- Do you find yourself with the wrong people who don’t appreciate you?
- Are you tolerant of troublesome and toxic relationships?
- Do you feel love for yourself?
- How do you treat yourself? Do you treat yourself the way others who don’t appreciate you, treat you?
If you’ve taken my quiz, you’ll be starting to see that there are patterns you repeat in your dating or lovelife:
Having identified how you might be contributing to keeping yourself lonely and feeling unloveable, here are some questions that can help you start to shift:
- What would you have to give up in order to find your love partner?
Just going along with what others want of you? Dating people with no capacity for kindness? Berating yourself? Staying home every night? Assuming no one likes you?
- What qualities, skills & capacities would you have to cultivate?
Being more boundaried about your time? Looking after yourself more? Saying no? Appreciating the love you have? Creating good habits that feed your happiness, like connecting with nature or doing something just for fun? Reading about and researching love? Being kinder to yourself and what you say to yourself?
This is specifically for you if you resonate with feeling tired and overwhelmed by people, or find yourself in toxic relationships.
My hope on Valentine’s Day is to start to help you out of that feeling of self blame, which often underlies the feeling of hopelessness in love.
Can you turn your sadness or loneliness into a loving enquiry, rather than a general feeling of grief and regret?
If not, this is a hilarious alternative to help you count your single blessings!
Want to go further?
For some people it helps to seek the support of a professional to explore these things in more depth. If you want to give a dynamite kick to moving forward, check this out:
Helping you overcome the things that hold you back with self confidence.
You can expect to hear from me personally. I will send you more information on how I can help you.