How to stop feeling so alone

Posted 29th October 2019

In Uncategorised

Loneliness is a big problem

According to Douglas Nemecek, MD, chief medical officer for behavioural health, Cigna,

”Loneliness has the same impact on mortality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, making it even more dangerous than obesity.”

In this article, I will show you how to address feeling so alone.

Everyone feels lonely

Through my work, I’ve come to see that it’s part of the human condition to feel alone, unmet, misunderstood, discomfort, pain, and heartache. More for some than others. But I’ve also come to see that it’s possible to feel better, to find the feeling of connection and love again, to self soothe, and to change the patterns of your life to include more support, friendship, community, love, joy, and fulfillment.

We are creatures who naturally oscillate between reaching out to be with others, and turning inward to process and recuperate. This is our natural process. But it gets interrupted, for many, by a dreadful fear of being alone.

Is this you?

Do you dread a weekend without any plans?
Might you find yourself channel hopping on the TV, searching for a film, or surfing the net, not really knowing what to do with yourself, if you are alone?
Perhaps you keep yourself so busy that you don’t remember the last time you were alone?
Maybe you’ve gone from relationship to relationship, or date to date, for years, without much time to yourself in between?

The fear of being alone causes us to feel lonely

Take checking your phone frequently, for example. It could help to ask yourself why you do this?

What are you actually looking for?
How does it feel to be checking contunuously?
Is there some anxiety? Hopelessness? Despair?
Are you expecting to be hurt or disappointed if you don’t find the ‘likes’, comments, or messages you were hoping for?
Can you see how the hunger for this kind of comfort increases, the more you check?
Is it hard for you to focus on anything else in your life?

Facing the void

The fear of being alone is a fear of how you might feel when faced with your own company. Many of us have not been taught that feelings can be worked through, are temporary, and are usually a hugely valuable source of information. Sometimes they tell us exactly what we do or don’t like, so that we can act on it. Sometimes they reflect a fear from our past. Either way, feelings respond well to being listened to with compassion, and being accepted and understood. This can steer you to a much higher quality of life.

Here’s how to start to face how you feel, with curiosity:

Stop and ask yourself what exactly is it that you don’t like about your own company?
What part of you feels lonely?
Which part of you wants to be met?
Do you know what you need right now?
How would it feel if you got exactly what you want?
Could you meet your need and look after yourself?
What is it that you really want underneath the intial reaching out?
What would be your first real step to gaining more of what you want in your life?

If you’re trying to soothe yourself with something or someone outside of yourself, and ignoring the anxiety you feel surrounding that, you’re really missing out. What you don’t quite get to is that internal sense of calm and knowing, and being able to reach for what is actually good for you. We all have enormous capacity to heal, overcome and thrive. You just have to really listen to your own wisdom, with love.

Here’s a link to my article on self soothing